Shrouded in Mystique
by Count Mallet
Summary: A two-shot that pokes fun at all ten MASK racing episodes & Ahsoka Tano's new role/animation in Star Wars Rebels. Features: excessive puns; campy & self-deprecating humor; breaks in the 4th wall; and the (in)famous canon cannons. Contains spoofs referring to Rebels season two topics. Rated Teen for double entendres & banter. Originally posted on Fanfiction·net. [S43-F35-M17-X6]
1. Race Day Preparations

_"You can parody almost anything."_

—Bruce McCall (as quoted on brainyquote·com)

* * *

 **Preface**

It seems that many franchises that fans enjoy as a whole often have aspects fans don't like. For the cartoon _MASK_ , few fans enjoyed the final ten episodes where the traditional missions gave way to a racing series where MASK and VENOM raced against each other, often with little to nothing in the way of an actual plot. Even on this site, there are few or no fans of the racing episodes; none of the writers there left reviews on either of my racing crossovers to date. Perhaps that will change with this story?

Similarly, the news that Ahsoka Tano had survived beyond _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_ to become a supposedly-recurring character in _Star Wars Rebels_ excited a number of Star Wars fans. The news itself might have been good, but the manner in which Disney has chosen to animate her adult character has wrinkled some fans' brows. To make matters worse, Hasbro has recently released posters where Ahsoka's rear head-tail is clearly missing.

So, this two-shot will combine both the _MASK_ racing episodes and Ahsoka's Tano's new look and poke fun at them in the most hilarious ways possible. While this story is intended to be completely separate from my previous racing outtakes, readers might recognize the vehicle now being referred to as "Raptor" because it's the same vehicle referred to as "Oz-1" in those stories. This is probably the only item the stories have in common.

Because this race begins in Quebec, where the primary language is French, there will be French dialogue enclosed in «angled quotes» with the English translation following in [brackets]. It'll be nice to put my four years of high school French to good use again.

Finally, please note that this story will contain spoilers for the upcoming season. Some may be so subtle that one might miss them. Others may be more blatantly obvious.

* * *

 **Acknowledgments**

Very special thanks go to The Walt Disney Company, the owners of the Star Wars franchise; and, to Kenner and D.I.C. Enterprises Inc, the owners of MASK.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

* * *

 **List of Abbreviations**

MASK – Mobile Armored Strike Kommand [sic].

OPP – Ontario Provincial Police

PNA – Peaceful Nations Alliance

VENOM – Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem.

* * *

Nevada Rushmore drove Goliath-2 down an empty two-lane highway. In the past, it had more traffic. Today, the extension of the auto-route through the area now held most of the area's traffic.

However, Nevada didn't transport Matt Trakker and Goliath-1. Today, he transported a new mask agent and her vehicle. As they neared their final destination, the two discussed the upcoming race.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Ahsoka? You haven't been a MASK agent all that long," Nevada asked.

"I'll be fine. Matt told me everything he thought I should know about that VENOM group. They don't scare me one bit. I've battled far more intimidating villains in my past. I've even raced vehicles far more sophisticated than these. Don't worry. I'll be safe."

"I don't doubt that, but don't underestimate VENOM. They have a motley assortment of agents, vehicles, and weapons."

"I appreciate that, Chief. So, how long is this race anyways?"

"We start just outside the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch. From there, we follow Highway 138 into Montreal, take the auto-route into Ontario, and then follow former Highway 2 into Toronto. There will be refueling stations in _Trois Rivières_ [Three Rivers], Montreal, and Cornwall."

"It sounds easy enough. What's that the other guy said before we left? 'Nothing to it, but to do it.' "

Nevada chuckled. "If only **any** race involving VENOM was that simple."

After turning onto another side road and a short drive, the pair reached the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch and found the area reserved for the MASK vehicles.

"Well, Ahsoka, this is it. I'll lower Raptor off Goliath for you so you can check it one last time," Nevada stated.

"Thanks, Nevada," Ahsoka replied. She then surprised him with an innocent kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?" he asked, confusion noticeable in his voice and on his face.

"For being so helpful on the way here. Besides, it's not like I'm married or spoken for, contrary to the rumors posted on your internet. Heck, they can't even draw me correctly."

"If you say so. Oh, don't forget your mask."

As Nevada lowered her vehicle, the McLaren M-23 race car code named Raptor, Ahsoka nodded and reached over to grab her mask. Although it took additional time to make, Matt designed it to accommodate Ahsoka's montrals and head-tails. The visor was tinted enough to conceal her face while allowing her to clearly see through it. Around the visor was a tiara-like strip that converged on a diamond-like jewel on in the middle of her forehead.

Ahsoka then met up with the other MASK agents that would race. With the course starting in Quebec, Matt invited Jacques LaFleur to participate and represent the host province. Brad Turner, Boris Bushkin, Ali Bombay, and Clutch Hawks rounded out the team. Matt, despite having Goliath-1 with him, wasn't racing officially. Instead, he opted to have a supervisory role and help out in an emergency. Also, Raptor's inaugural race would help him decide if it would eventually replace Goliath-1.

"Ahsoka, it's good to see you made it," Matt told her.

"I'm looking forward to it. I'm still not sure how I ended up here, but it will be nice to do something fun and battle evil at the same time."

"And I believe you remember the rest of the team, except for Boris here. Boris, this is Ahsoka. She'll be driving Raptor today."

"Boris 'The Czar' Bushkin. So, you're our new MASK agent. It's a pleasure to meet you. I wish we could have a race in Russia, though. Sometimes, I miss the borscht belt," Boris replied.

Ahsoka looked Boris over and pointed at his gut. "I think I just found it," she deadpanned.

Boris responded with a hearty laugh. "You're a spunky one, Fireball," he answered as he playfully slapped her on the back.

Ahsoka, however, yelped as he struck her rear head-tail. "Careful there, big guy," she said as she reached behind to massage the sore spot. _I hope it doesn't bruise. And, what's with calling me "Fireball?"_ she thought.

Elsewhere, the VENOM vehicles and agents gathered. Miles and Maximus Mayhem brought Floyd Malloy, Bruno Sheppard, Lester Sludge, and Vanessa Warfield.

"Who's the orange lady?" Max asked his twin brother.

"I suppose that must be the new agent I heard about. Ahsoka Tano, I believe her name is. She certainly looks unusual with those weird things coming out of her head," Miles replied.

"She looks like she spent too much time in a tanning booth!" Floyd interjected.

"Who cares what she looks like, Bird Man? I think I'll go over there and see if I can't scare her a little."

Miles then waited for the MASK agents to inspect their vehicles one last time before he walked up to Ahsoka.

"Ahsoka Tano," he said as he stopped alongside her.

"Who are you?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm sure Trakker told you all about me, Tano. If I were you, I wouldn't bother racing. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Sorry, Miles, but I'll put the bite on you and your VENOM agents," Ahsoka replied with a teasing smile.

After groaning, Miles said, "Have it your way, but I'll get you, you... whatever you are, and your little toy race car, too!" He then stormed off back to the rest of his agents.

Elsewhere, Clutch checked Wildcat one last time before the race.

"Well, Brad, I think I'm ready. Maybe this will be the race I finally win."

"Don't count on that, Hawks," a husky female voice replied for behind.

"Vanessa Warfield. You must be desperate to add to your win total to be racing all the way up here."

"Hawks, after we're done here, you'll want to question coming to Quebec."

"Haven't we had this conversation before, Vanessa?"

"Who keeps track? All I know is I saw you get mauled in Memphis, and now you'll get crushed in Canada."

"That was a ruse, you know. I let Boris win so you'd try to turn him against me."

Vanessa growled. "Suit yourself. All I know Is you'll lose again." Before she left, though, she spotted Brad. "Hi, Brad," she said in her best seductive voice. "Do you think you can challenge me more this race?"

Brad's cheeks flushed. "Oh, hi, Vanessa. I certainly hope to win against you."

"I'd be disappointed, otherwise. See you soon."

"That sure was awkward," Clutch said.

"Tell me about it," Brad replied. "She's been like this ever since she won that race in the southwest."

Back where the VENOM agents gathered, Miles walked back shaking his head.

"What's wrong?" Max asked.

"Tano's got a bigger mouth on her than Trakker. We've definitely got our hands full this time."

"Why did I let you talk me out of retirement and back into racing? I know what's gonna happen. MASK will win the race, and we'll fail in everything yet again."

"Don't start with me, Maxie. We'll get Tano, and if all else fails, you can use our secret weapon. Don't forget, those MASK fools have no idea what we have planned in Toronto. By the time they find out, it will be too late."

"Right. We'll get the last laugh yet."

* * *

With the race ready to begin, the racers lined up just outside the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch. Guests presently staying there formed a makeshift audience to send the racers off towards Toronto. With excitement in the air and the sound of cheering, an announcement came over a loudspeaker.

«Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue à la Clash Canadienne. Les seules règles sont: pour suivre le cours, et pour finir la course. Bonne chance.»

[Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Canadian Clash. The only rules are: to follow the course, and to finish the race. Good luck.]

At the sound of a simulated gunshot, everyone revved their engines and sped off. Thanks to the luck of the random draw, Vanessa Warfield in Manta raced out to an early lead. As she sped over the concrete bridge that spanned the river, she unleashed an unpleasant surprise. A compartment on Manta's hood opened, revealing three missiles. She shot them at the bridge, destroying the middle portion of it and rendering it unusable.

"Alright, now nobody will cross the river—not easily anyways," Vanessa stated gleefully.

"You were supposed to wait until we crossed!" Miles scolded her.

"Oops," Vanessa replied, with a subtle hint of sarcasm.

"Maxie, launch the drone. We can make better time without all the dead weight in the middle for now."

"Right, Miles," Max answered. With the press of a button, Buzzard split into three parts. Each of the Mayhem twins piloted their own side pod. Meanwhile, wings extended from the center part and a robotic drone piloted the jet portion.

As this transpired, Duane Kennedy, leader of the PNA, looked on in horror. It was no surprise to see VENOM use such gamesmanship in a race. However, the dirty deed happening so soon—and cutting off most of the racers from the other side of the river—was the shocking part. To Duane's surprise, the local mayor came up to him and gestured as he told him something.

"Matt, If I understand Mayor Gilbert correctly, there's another bridge a short distance away. The only thing is that it's old and not in use anymore, so vehicles will have to go over it one at a time."

"Thanks, Duane," Matt replied.

"Actually," Ali interjected, "I can convert Bullet to hovercraft and fly over. We may need that to make sure we're not too far behind the VENOM vehicles."

"That's a good idea, Ali. Go for it."

Ahsoka, hearing the conversation over the open frequency, had her own idea.

"I can fly, too. I've got be faster than some hovercraft. Time for Fulcrum to turn this lever," she told herself. As she activated the lever for defense mode, Raptor went slightly airborne thanks to underbody thrusters. The sides slowly pulled away from each other to form wings. Once converted, thrusters inside the tires activated, helping her take flight. A touch screen display provided feedback and controls for the wingtip micro-lasers and the bigger laser contained inside the oxygen intake.

Elsewhere, the vehicles that couldn't fly made their way to an old, narrow metal bridge. Without it, the resulting detour would cost the drivers too much time in a race. One by one, everyone crossed. Unfortunately, for Jacques, he was last in line. As he slowly crossed the river, the bridge slowly creaked.

"It's bad enough it's a tight fit, but I don't want it to fall apart when I'm still on it," he said.

"You'll be fine, Trailblazer," Matt assured him. "Besides, we don't have Bruce's lifter mask, so you can't take any unplanned swims."

Jacques chuckled as he finally reached the other side. "It's time for Volcano to erupt against VENOM," he stated as he floored the accelerator.

* * *

Ahsoka sped down Highway 138 towards _Trois Rivières_. As she sensed nobody else in nearby, she noticed something peculiar.

"That's funny, when did my skin get so light?" she asked herself out loud.

Behind her, though, another vehicle slowly closed the gap between Raptor and itself.

"There's Tano!" Max exclaimed to his twin brother.

"Launch the drone, Maxie. If we have to disable her vehicle, we can use the slicer cannon. Trakker made a big mistake not giving her a MASK vehicle. Meanwhile, we'll overpower her on the ground," Miles replied.

Max pressed the button to convert Buzzard once more. As they continued to bear down on Ahsoka in Raptor, she sensed something amiss.

"There's Miles and his sidekick again. I wonder where their plane thingy is," she said.

"Be careful, Ahsoka, they're very dangerous, and they'll pursue you relentlessly," Matt replied through their inter-mask radios.

Ahsoka suddenly slammed on her breaks and spun Raptor around 180°. "It's time to teach those two it's not wise to tangle with a Togruta. Akul, on!" she called out. The edge of her mask lit up and the jewel in the middle of her forehead blinked as it shot tooth-shaped laser bolts towards the Buzzard side pods.

As Max prepared to fire his melter cannon, one of Ahsoka's projectiles caught his front tire and blew it out.

"Whaaa!" Max cried as his pod spun out of control and crashed into his brother's pod, causing both pods to fall on their sides.

Ahsoka smirked underneath her mask. "I'd rather fight against old geezers than fight with them," she said. Satisfied with her attack, she turned Raptor around and sped off.

Behind her, Miles and Max got out of their side pods. Miles, however, smacked his brother.

"You idiot, what was that for?" Miles yelled.

"Something blew out my tire!" Max replied. As he looked around, he noticed some of Ahsoka's projectiles. "Did she really shoot teeth at us?" he asked.

"Don't you remember what I told you in Africa, Maximus? It's a strange war we wage against MASK. You've got to expect strange weapons. Given Tano is the strangest MASK agent we've ever seen, we have to expect her to use the strangest weapons ever conceived."

"I knew I should have stayed home and blackmailed that European leader. He'd have paid me millions to keep those scandalous pictures from appearing in the tabloids."

"Never mind that. Help me figure out how we can get Tano."

"How about we have the drone fix my flat."

"Now you're talking like a VENOM agent, Maxie. Mayhem to drone: stop following Tano. Get down here and help us."

"At least she didn't shoot totem poles at us. She was right, though. She really did put the bite on us."

Miles growled in disgust to be reminded of Ahsoka's comments.

* * *

Elsewhere, A harsh voice interrupted Ali Bombay's racing.

"Hey, Bombay," it called out.

Ali turned around cautiously. The last time he turned to answer VENOM's Lester Sludge, he ended up with a mask full of mud.

"What you want, Lester?" Ali asked suspiciously.

"Relax, I was just curious why you haven't changed your name to Ali Mumbai," Lester replied.

"Oh, that's a simple answer: I don't have the necessary 1605 Indian Rupees* to file a name change."

"Wow, I thought Miles was a tightwad when it came to paying us agents, but Trakker seems worse. You need the prize money more than I do. Go ahead and speed past me, I won't stop you. Besides, Miles has something else for me to do, anyways."

Ali sped up, surprised that Lester didn't pursue him. _I just hope he doesn't plan to do something sneaky, like when he wanted to race me back in India,_ he thought.

* * *

At another spot, VENOM's Vanessa Warfield was ready to attack.

"Now, Bird Man!" she called out to Floyd.

Floyd pulled back on his controls to convert Vampire. The body gradually lengthened, the read panels dropped to form wings, and the windshield dropped down to reveal lasers. Meanwhile, Vanessa transformed Manta. The read split open to reveal three jet exhaust pipes. As it took flight, the wheels turned around to reveal wings. Lasers then appeared from inside the headlights, and a bank of three missiles rose from the hood.

"Just our luck, two airborne vehicles against us," Clutch told Brad.

"Some odds, huh? We can take them on," Brad replied.

"I'll take care of Malloy, you two defend against Vanessa," Ali said. Bullet's wheels slowly pulled apart to become turbines for his now-hovercraft.

"Works for me," Brad replied. His stock car, Razorback, raised the middle section for an attack platform. The doors and trunk opened to reveal lasers and the front grille produced a missile.

At the same time, Clutch converted Wildcat. The front cab raised and cannons came out of the headlights. He also had a rear laser available if it was needed.

"I'll squash you, MASK worm," Floyd called out as he shot towards Ali. The latter, however, easily evaded the fire and responded with his own shots towards Floyd."

"Have a ball. Buckshot, on," Floyd responded. A number of ball bearings shot from a projectile on the right side of his mask.

"Vortex, on," Ali said. His mask produced a small whirlwind. Floyd found his ball bearings coming back at him and Vampire started to spin out of control as well.

"You can blow me away all you want, Bombay, but I'll still get you," Floyd called out as his voice faded in the distance.

As this happened, Clutch and Brad battled with Vanessa. The latter unsuccessfully fired her rockets towards the pair. Now, she flew Manta down as if she intended to dive-bomb them.

"Concrete cannons, fire!" Clutch called out. Wildcat's cannons shot quick-drying cement and created a large wall that led to Vanessa having to veer off at the last second.

"I expected that, Hawks. You may have surprised me in Memphis, but not today! Whip, on," she said. A long, blue whip-like strand of energy shot out of her mask and demolished the makeshift wall.

"Clutch, let's get out of here before she can attack again," Brad said. Sticking his head out of Razorback, he called out, "Eclipse, on!" A black, murky, darkness shot out of his mask, obscuring Vanessa's vision. Still, she fired her missiles again. Once the darkness faded, though, she found nobody else in sight.

"Stop leaving me in the dark, Turner!" Vanessa yelled as she slammed her fist on top of Manta's dashboard. "No matter, I'll just have to beat you again."

* * *

Ahsoka opted not to refuel in _Trois Rivières_ , and she checked her fuel as she reached Montreal.

"I should be able to make it to Cornwall. But if I'm the only Togruta, why would they name a city after my montrals?" she asked. As she looked down again, she noticed her skin seemed to be darker orange again.

"If this keeps up, I may need new orange bras to match my skin," she said.

To her surprise, she heard a number of loud groans—from both MASK and VENOM agents—through her mask's internal radio.

"Ahsoka, if you want to make private asides, you may want to mute your radio first," Matt suggested.

She was about to reply, but the sound of an odd buzzing sound derailed her train of thought, though.

"Hey, Tano!" Lester called out. As she turned to look back at him, Lester fired Iguana's sludge cannons and hit her square in her mask. "Here, have a free mud bath. Maybe it can improve your skin," he added as he laughed hysterically.

Ahsoka briefly foundered inside Raptor from the mud obscuring her vision. However, she used the Force and the sensations in her montrals to successfully navigate a sharp turn.

"Huh? How'd she do that?" Lester asked in disbelief.

"I don't need to see to drive, sleemo. Montrals for the win," she replied teasingly.

"Montreal or not, I'll tell everyone you're a dirty little girl."

"I thought Hondo Ohnaka was a dirty old man, but this guy may have him beat," Ahsoka said as she used the Force to lift the mud off of her mask and cast it away. After a moment, she asked Lester, "Are you sure you're not Ki-Adi Mundi?"

"Never heard of him. Tell you what, it's Wednesday, so I'll pretend to be Ki-Adi Wednesday," Lester replied with another laugh.

"What an awful joke," Ahsoka muttered. As she looked ahead, she saw the bridge over the Saint Lawrence river leading to the island city of Montreal. Her enhanced vision spotted unexpected construction that blocked off one of the lanes on the bridge.

Lester used the distraction to pull up alongside her and he attempted to run her off the auto-route.

"Sorry Tano, but your race is over," he told Ahsoka.

Sparks flew as Lester slammed Iguana into the side of Raptor. Ahsoka looked on in horror to see the right guardrail of the bridge was missing as part of the construction.

As Iguana slammed into Raptor again, Ahsoka felt the wheels leave the pavement. She now found herself airborne over the river.

"Have a nice swim, Tano!" Lester called out as laughed again. "I just hope she doesn't sink. Miles won't pay me if I come back empty-handed."

Ahsoka's eyes continued to widen as the blueness of the water got closer and closer as Raptor started to lose altitude in the air.

* * *

 **Chapter Endnotes:**

* ₹1605 is approximately $25 US or €22.15 at the time of this writing.


	2. Racers' Resolutions

As Ahsoka and Raptor continued to descend towards the St. Lawrence River, she quickly remembered an important detail.

"Got to convert, fast," she said, quickly pulling the level that activated attack mode.

As Raptor converted to jet mode, the thrusters activated just in time for Ahsoka to avoid splashing into the river. Lester looked on disbelief to see Ahsoka wouldn't be taking an unexpected bath.

"Just my luck, a female Trakker," he lamented.

Ahsoka flew Raptor back to bridge level and opened fire on Lester. Iguana, however, was too fast and it allowed Lester to avoid Ahsoka's attack.

Suddenly, Ahsoka slammed on her brakes.

"Why am I wasting time on this guy when I have a race to finish. Time to make like a thimiar and scamper on out of here," she said. As she entered the island city of Montreal, she noticed Lester still in hot pursuit. She quickly looked at Raptor's touch screen to see what weapons she still had available when Raptor was a race car.

"Hmm, I wonder what this button does," she said as she touched it on the display. A substance shot out of her exhaust pipes, the same substance contained in Goliath-1's slicker missiles. The pavement instantly became slippery enough for a hockey game. Lester groaned as Iguana slid out of control and fell over after hitting a concrete barrier.

"I need to find that fueling station. Maybe they have something good to eat," Lester told himself. However, plans for a snack took a back seat when Miles contacted Lester.

"Mayhem to Iguana: Bruno's waiting for you outside of Cornwall. I need you two to stop Tano before she can finish the race."

"Sure thing, boss! Once we leave Montreal, there's nothing but farmland. Iguana's perfect for making time in that kind of terrain." Lester replied. Making sure Miles didn't hear his final thoughts, he added, "I'd love to introduce Tano to my shredder blade and turn her into orange slices."

* * *

Floyd spotted Jacques ahead of him. Despite their previous encounter, one that didn't bode well for him, Floyd was determined to get his revenge.

"I'll get that lumberjack for what he did to me in Australia," Floyd called out.

Jacques, however, noticed Floyd and Vampire in his rear view mirror.

"I guess I really have all zee luck," he said in his thick French-Canadian accent. "I guess I'll have to teach him another lesson."

As Floyd closed the gap between Vampire and Volcano, Jacques spotted what looked like a marshy area up the road and alongside it.

"Time to convince Floyd he's washed up. Mirage, on!" he called out. His mask then displayed a hologram suggesting the road curved when it didn't.

"See you later, flower boy!" Floyd called out as he sped up. To his shock, the road beneath Vampire disappeared and he felt his tires stick in the mud.

"Huh? What's going on?" Floyd asked in disbelief.

"I'd love to explain it, Floyd, but the finish line, she beckons," Jacques replied as Volcano sped off.

"Don't call me Floyd!" Floyd was set to attack Jacques one last time, but something unexpectedly struck his mask.

"Hey, who did that?" he asked.

Nobody answered, but he felt it again. As he turned around, he noticed beavers working on their dam.

"Stop being bad beavers and leave me alone... please? I have a race to finish," Floyd pleaded.

A beaver responded by slapping a mixture of mud and twigs at Floyd.

Floyd groaned in frustration. "I hate beavers more than kangaroos!" he whined.

The beavers responded by splashing more water and mud at him as Vampire fell over with him on it.

* * *

Elsewhere, Brad and Clutch still found themselves dealing with Vanessa.

"Aren't **we** the lucky ones," Brad said.

"Hey, she's your girl friend, not mine," Clutch deadpanned.

"What? Clutch, wait, she is so **not** that."

"I'm not **anybody's** girlfriend!" Vanessa yelled. "Typical male pigs. Why would I want either of you—or anyone else—for that matter."

With Vanessa distracted, Clutch shot a couple of metallic disks from the bottom of Wildcat's front grille. Unfortunately, she saw them spinning towards her.

"Nice try, Hawks, but no luck for you. Whip on!" Vanessa's whip intercepted the disks and sent them off on a trajectory away from her.

"You're right, Vanessa. Let's try this again." Clutch flipped the same lever twice. This time, though, the two disks somehow became a dozen.

"Aaah!" Vanessa groaned as she veered Manta off in the opposite direction.

"I'll get her," Brad said. After converting Razorback to attack mode, he pressed a button. "Prism missile, fire." A missile shot contained in the front grille shot out and blinded Vanessa with the ensuing bright flash.

"You know, Brad, every time you say that, I keep thinking you say 'prison missile.'"

"It would be kind of cool to put Vanessa behind bars, even if temporarily. With my luck, she'd enjoy being caged up, though."

After the bright flashing ended, Vanessa sped off towards the race course again."

"See you at the finish line, losers," she called out.

As she taunted Brad and Clutch, she overlooked the billboard between the highway and the river. It suddenly split open to reveal Dusty Hayes and Billboard Blast's missiles and laser.

"I got a little surprise for you, vacuum on!" Dusty said. As a ray shot from his mask's mouthpiece and hit the Saint Lawrence river, it created a large waterspout that hit Manta, knocking it off course.

"You suck, Hayes!" Vanessa screamed.

"Of course I do. What else would I use Vacuum for?" he replied teasingly. He then added, "All those years as a stunt driver, and I get stuck manning the billboard. That makes less sense than change for a penny."

* * *

In downtown Toronto, VENOM's Nash "Goon" Gorey pulled up behind the Regal Bank. With the bogus _Snake Oil_ logo on the side of his tanker truck, Outlaw, he hoped to pass himself off as the Bank's new fuel vendor. He got out of Outlaw and attached a rubber hose to the side. What people wouldn't know, though, is that there was no oil inside the truck. The set-up was a ruse to infiltrate the bank and steal what money he could while the race was still ongoing. As Gorey stretched the hose, the sound of a security guard behind him startled him.

"Excuse me, may I help you."

"Uh, yeah, of course," Gorey replied. He showed the guard a clipboard with forged documents. "I'm here for your oil delivery."

The security guard examined the documents and then replied, "Snake Oil? I've never heard of that company, but we **are** due for more oil for the emergency generator, so go ahead and fill 'er up. If you have any questions, just come get me and ask."

"I'll keep that in mind." Once the guard turned the corner, Gorey laughed evilly as he pointed into the air.

"The only question I have is how fast I can break in and steal all your money," he said.

* * *

Just outside the border for Cornwall, Ontario, Lester and Bruno worked on what was intended to be a trap for Ahsoka.

"Are you sure this is what Miles said?" Lester asked.

"He told me to stop her with a corn wall," Bruno insisted as he put the finishing touches on a wall made of braided corn stalks.

Lester looked at Bruno's handiwork curiously. "Cornwall... corn wall... I get it! But it seems like a stupid idea for stopping Tano. Who seriously comes up with this stuff?" he asked.

"You got me, but we better get ready. Miles won't be happy if we let her get away again."

Lester and Bruno then drove stakes into the ground on either side of former Highway 2 and stretched their makeshift wall across the roadway. Satisfied with their efforts, they pulled their vehicles behind the barrier, ready to ambush Ahsoka if necessary.

A short time later Ahsoka sped down the highway and noticed the makeshift barrier.

"Who blocks off a race course like that. It's pretty wacky if you ask me," she said. She then transformed Raptor into jet mode and flew easily over the barrier.

"Gotcha, Tano," Lester called out as she passed overhead.

"Oh great, I have chuckles after me again."

"She's mine, Lester," Bruno stated firmly. "Stinger, go to armored tank mode." Bruno's GTO converted to have a metal shield covering part of the windshield. Part of the front stretched out to form a battering ram, and the tires turned up 90° to become lasers as Stinger now traveled on tank-like treads. Finally, a large gripping claw popped out of the trunk.

As Bruno converted his vehicle, Ahsoka thought, _Stinger might make a good name for a Sith_.

Bruno shot all four of Stinger's laser pods at Ahsoka, but she skillfully navigated and evaded the fire.

"How can she do that?" Bruno asked in disbelief.

"I've seen battle droids that shoot better than you," Ahsoka replied teasingly.

Ahsoka circled around, but she noticed her gas gauge blinking and dangerously close to empty.

"I'm almost out of fuel. I gotta get to the pit stop," she said. She converted Raptor back to a race car, and she was surprised to learn the corn stalk barrier was so flimsy she drove right through it.

"I'll get her, Bruno. Firing sludge cannons... firing mudslinger," Lester said as he fired both Iguana's weapons and his mask.

Ahsoka, thanks to her sensations in the Force and her montrals, evaded the projectiles.

"If these guys were inquisitors tasked with catching me, they'd be fired on their first day on the job," Ahsoka said. Her eyes widened, when what looked like a pit stop started to move towards her.

"Get her, Sly!" Bruno called out.

"See you later, Mad Dog," Ahsoka said to Bruno. "I'll send you a flea collar for your next life day."

Sly Rax advanced towards Ahsoka in the Pit Stop Catapult. The overhead sign dropped down to form grinding teeth with the base, and he launched a studded tire in the gas pump-turned-catapult towards Ahsoka. The latter easily changed lanes to avoid it.

"Sawblade, on," Rax called out, shooting a number of miniature circular saw blades from the shoulder panels of his mask.

"Akul, on!" Ahsoka countered. Her tooth-like projectiles fired, but largely ricocheted off of Pit Stop Catapult's reinforced metal housing.

Ahsoka then grabbed her primary lightsaber and threw it. Using the force, she ignited it in mid air and looked on as it caught the main panel of Rax's vehicle and returned to her, where she promptly extinguished it and reattached it to her belt.

Rax looked on in shock at the white beam of light spinning towards him. As it clipped the Pit Stop Catapult, the vehcile sputtered, stopped, and sparked. Rax jumped off the platform and ran for cover.

"That's not funny! Why does it get destroyed every time I use it? Miles must really hate me," he groaned as his vehicle exploded for the umpteenth time.

Meanwhile, Ahsoka sped on, still being pursued by Lester and Bruno. Her engine began to sputter, however.

"I gotta make it. I can't take on these guys," she said.

"Let's see you eat laser, Tano," Bruno called out. "Hey, how come I'm not moving?"

Out of nowhere, Ace Riker appeared in Meteor and fired beams that kept Stinger stuck in place.

"Time to save the damsel in distress... or something like that. Ahsoka, you get out of here. I'll tangle with VENOM for you."

Raptor continued to sputter, leaving Ahsoka concerned she wouldn't make it to the legitimate pit stop. "I don't suppose you could give me a boost for these last few meters?" she asked.

"I got just the thing. Cruise Control, increase." A beam shot out from his mask and gave Raptor a boost at it coasted down the highway.

Lester stopped Iguana abruptly and pointed the front of it upward. "Here, let me dirty up your precious plane," he said with a laugh. He fired Iguana's sludge cannons up in the air.

Ace released Stinger so to deal with Lester. "Cruise control, slow," he called out as he shot towards the giant sludge ball. Eventually, it stopped in mid-air before falling down to the ground again.

Despite wearing a mask, Lester looked on wide-eyed, frozen with shock as his own mud landed on top of him, engulfing Iguana in the process.

"Blech! I've been sludged... by my own gunk," he said in disgust.

Meanwhile, Bruno sped down the former Highway 2, eager to attack Ahsoka as she refueled. However, he slammed on the breaks unexpectedly.

"Who puts a toll both in the middle of a race?" Bruno reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of Loonies and Toonies*.

"C'mon. How many of these things do you need? I have a race to finish!"

To Bruno's surprise, the tool booth opened up to reveal the MASK bunker known as The Collector. A masked Alex Sector told Bruno, "I'm sorry, Bruno, but you've been black flagged. Disruptor, on." A shot from Alex's mask temporarily disabled Stinger's electronics.

Bruno slammed his fist on the dashboard. "Not this again! How can I fall for the same thing twice?"

Alex ignored Bruno's rant and contacted Duane. "Duane, Megabyte here. Contact the OPP for me. I bet they can find enough warrants on Bruno here to take him in and extradite him."

* * *

Back in Toronto, Gorey paced around. Something didn't seem right as he checked the bank's schematic diagram.

"Mayhem to Gorey: what's going on there?"

"I can't find the alarm box to disable, Mr. Mayhem. It's not where it should be," Gorey replied.

"Gorey, are you looking at that diagram right?"

Gorey looked at the legend and turned the diagram 90°. There it is. Now I can take care of it. You always know what's right, sir."

"That's because I'm in charge and you're not," Miles replied with irritation.

"You're right again," Gorey replied eagerly.

"Gorey, stop with the boot licking and break the bank!"

"You got it, boss man! Gorey out."

As this transpired, Matt contacted Ace.

"Ace, this is Matt. Duane got a report of suspicious activity around the Regal Bank. It sounds like VENOM. Go check it out. I'll convert Goliath to jet mode and back you up as soon as I finish refueling."

"Sure thing, Matt. Now what could VENOM be up to this time?" Ace asked in reply.

"I don't know, but we'll find out. Maybe, I'll even get the answer to another important question."

"What's that?"

"Why do I keep tying a bandanna around my left ankle."

"Umm, OK, Matt, if you say so," Ace replied, unsure of how to react to his comment.

* * *

With Raptor refueled, Ahsoka, speed towards Toronto.

"I'm surprised there's nobody else around. Maybe that means I'll win the race." she said.

After navigating a turn, she briefly looked down at herself and noticed something peculiar again.

"Not only is my skin light again. But I look smaller." After making sure she wasn't speaking into an open frequency, she added, "And this racing suit seems looser. I don't remember getting reduction surgery, unless they did it after they stunned me in Coruscant's Underworld."

Ahsoka navigated a few more turns to find the finish line. As she sped across it, fans cheered, but not as excitedly as she expected.

"Is it because I'm a Togruta?" she asked in confusion. As she parked Raptor, though, she got her answer.

"There you are, Fireball. It's about time someone joined me," Boris stated.

Ahsoka took a step back. The last thing she wanted was Boris slapping her read head-tail again. "How did you finish already, Boris?" she asked.

"Simple. VENOM was so focused on you, they forgot all about me. Easiest race Boris ever won."

"Well, congratulations, big guy." As Ahsoka shook his hand, a race coordinator walked up to Ahsoka.

"You've been selected for a random drug test," he announced.

 _Surely it's not because of my bright eyes. I guess I can blame my creator for those,_ Ahsoka thought. "Very well," she replied simply.

"Helga here will escort you to the testing room so you can produce your sample."

A large, muscular woman beckoned for Ahsoka to follow her.

"Here goes nothing," Ahsoka said.

* * *

A smug Gorey readied for his next move. After painstakingly hacking into the bank's security system to disable it and remove the alarm, he was ready to break in.

"Powerhouse, on!" he called out. A green glow surrounded his body. Now that he had superhuman strength, he lightly tapped against the wall, leaving a hole large enough in which he could walk. Much to his chagrin, Ace and Matt were already waiting inside for him.

"Gorey, what brings you here? Is it something you found interesting?" Matt asked.

"Stay away, Trakker. I'll rip you in two. Now back off," Gorey replied nervously.

"You look like you need some fresh air, Goon. Why don't you take the mask off and get some," Ace said.

Gorey, much to their surprise, did just that. Once the mask was off, however, Gorey realized he lost his enhanced strength and was caught. He reluctantly looked down at the ground as he raised his hands in surrender.

* * *

With Ahsoka passing her drug test, she rejoined her fellow MASK agents at the winner's circle where Boris received his first place trophy. Shortly, the Mayhem twins pulled up in their racing pods. Miles jumped out and confronted Ahsoka.

"Alright, Tano, what did you do?" he asked angrily.

"Um, I finished the race," she replied.

"That's not what I mean. What did you do to the drone? I sent it after you and it's missing."

"Oh, that thing. It was dumber than a B1 Battle Droid. I shot it down easily and reprogrammed it to make waffles and serve drinks best described at out of this world," Ahsoka answered with a teasing smile.

Miles stamped his foot in disgust. "We'll get you next time, Tano." Upon rejoining his brother, Miles added, "Nothing ever goes right at these races. Just once, I'd like to win."

"Excuse me," a lady said. "I have your prize."

"But we finished dead last," Max replied.

"Hush, Maxie, let the lady finish," Miles rebuked him.

"Everybody that finishes the race receives prize money. And for being the first villains to complete the race, I have this check for two dollars and fifty-nine cents.†"

"Really? Why thanks," Miles said as he accepted the check and shook the lady's hand.

"What are you going to do with it, Miles?" Max asked.

"I'll add a penny to it and get 260 penny candies. I'll split 'em 50-50 with you."

"You were always the last of the big spenders, Miles. But what about Tano?"

Miles appeared to snap back into reality. "Right! Go ahead and use the secret weapon on her."

Max looked for the appropriate level inside his side pod. Spotting a lever with what looked like a torn sheet of paper below it, he pressed it and shouted, "Firing cannon canons!"

As Ahsoka continued to talk to her colleagues, she gave a loud shriek of pain as a laser bolt caught the lower portion of her rear head-tail.

Suddenly, there was blinding white flash of light.

Matt Trakker looked around, surprised to find himself back in Boulder Hill's secret bunker.

"There you are, where ya been?" Hondo McClain asked.

Matt looked around in confusion. "That's a good question. I thought I was at a race."

"You need some R&R, Matt. You've been working **way** too hard."

* * *

In a secret hideout elsewhere, Miles was greeted by a voice he hadn't heard in a while.

"Hey, where did you come from?" it asked.

Miles looked on in disbelief. "Dagger? What are you doing here?"

"I didn't have anything better to do without you bossing me around," he confessed.

Miles checked his pocket. His prize money check was no longer there.

"This day couldn't get any worse," he groaned.

"Why don't we rob a bank or something," Dagger suggested.

"Now you're talking. Just leave Gorey and Bruno out of this mission."

Elsewhere, Max found himself in his own posh mansion in front of a computer.

"How did I get here? That's funny. I guess I can see who I can blackmail or rob from next."

* * *

As the _Ghost_ crew flew to their next mission, Ahsoka's sudden appearance on the bridge startled Hera.

"Fulcrum! Err, Ahsoka, how'd you get here?" Hera asked.

"I'm still not sure about that myself," Ahsoka replied. The fact she ended up into her home galaxy in the blink of an eye confused and disoriented her.

"What are your instructions? Do you have new orders?"

Ahsoka replayed recent events in her mind. She swore she heard Miles' brother say something.

"Cannon... cannon," she repeated.

"Huh?" Hera asked.

"Oh, I think I get it now." Ahsoka rubbed her read head-tail only to find it didn't hurt. "That cannon thing they shot me with sent me back to my galaxy." As she looked around, she added, "They obviously made a mistake; I definitely don't belong here. Hera, plot a course for where I belong."

"Right away," Hera acknowledged.

"Wait. I better plot the course myself. The less you know, the better," Ahsoka told her. _If only I knew where I was going,_ she thought.

* * *

 **Public Service Announcement**

* * *

Boris sat on a couch in Matt Trakker's mansion admiring his first place trophy.

"Boris love winning race. To celebrate, Boris do traditional Russian Cossack Dance," he said.

Boris stood up and got into a low crouch as he folded his arms in front of him. He than started to flail his legs back and forth with an occasional shout of "hey" interspersed with Russian lyrics.

Clutch, hearing the noise in the front room, peeked in and noticed a small throw rug next to Boris.

"Hey, Boris, watch out for that..." Clutch began, but it was too late. Boris' right foot landed awkwardly on the throw rug. It slipped away, leaving Boris falling to the floor and groaning with a sprained ankle.

A moment later, Clutch and Ahsoka tended to the injured Boris.

"If you're going to turn the front room into a dance floor, Boris, be sure the floor is clear of anything that you might slip on or trip over," Clutch said.

On the other side of Boris, Ahsoka added, "And remember the word 'rice' when dealing with a sprain."

"Why would I want to eat rice?" Boris asked, visibly confused.

"Rice is short for rest, ice, compression and elevation. You want to rest your sprain so it doesn't get worse. Use ice as quickly as possible to minimize swelling. Use a wrap-able bandage to keep it compressed. And finally, keep your leg elevated above your heart—if possible."

Boris nodded and replied, "Boris say, 'Don't take a chance; be safe when you dance.'"

* * *

 **Chapter Endnotes :**

* Loonies and Toonies are Canadian one- and two-dollar coins respectively.

† $2.59 Canadian is approximately $2.10 US and €1.87 as of the time of this writing.

* * *

 **Closing Commentary:** Well, this was certainly fun to write and to keep my skills at parody sharp.

Despite my lack of interest in _Rebels_ , Ahsoka's return to the screen in the season one finale piqued my curiosity. However, I dislike Disney's animation style for her. Her face markings look off, especially since the markings of other adult Togruta never seemed to evolve in other media. Her lekku striping changing from chevrons to irregular bolts was strange for similar reasons. Finally, her eyes now look so glassy and her skin looks so bright that's she looks as if she's been ingesting illegal substances.

After reading major spoilers for next week's episode(s), I think it's safe to say I will remain disinterested in watching _Rebels_. Still, I enjoyed the chance to poke fun at her new look and what's happened to Ahsoka so far in her lifetime and what's looming in her near-future. I'm pleased to know I was the first person to write a _Star Wars Rebels_ crossover listing "Ahsoka T/Fulcrum" as a character.

I also did my best to try to spoof scenes from all ten of the MASK racing episodes. As mentioned, a lot of fans dislike the episodes as a whole, so it was a challenge to make references to each episode while poking fun at the entire racing premise.

I imagine Boris winning with no challenge from VENOM was slightly far-fetched, as was the ending featuring the elusive "canon cannons." Consider that to be part of the parody. Also, I didn't get to use Nevada Rushmore very much. Then again, a number of agents in the racing series had roles so small, people might miss the cameo appearances if they blinked.

For those that don't already know, Brian George was the voice actor for both Ali Bombay and Lester Sludge in the MASK racing episodes. Years later, he would provide the voice acting for Ki-Adi Mundi in the Ryloth arc in _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_. This is what prompts Ahsoka to ask if Lester is really Ki-Adi.

In addition, I poked fun at other franchises and people—including myself. I won't bother listing everything I parodied and spoofed because that would make the commentary larger than the story proper.

Finally, it's my custom that any complete story involving MASK ends with a public service announcement just as the original cartoons did.

Today is my birthday, so I'm glad to wrap up another story as a present to my readers. I can only hope readers enjoyed the parody as much as I enjoyed writing it.

END


End file.
